HOW TO BE AN INCONSIDERATE GOLFER This guide is intended as a good natured reminder of how not to behave on the golf course. We cannot accept any responsibility for the consequences if you emulate this behaviour.

Unplayable ball stuck in bush... When you play a bad shot, there are some options:

1) you can admit that non-one is to blame and that you made a minor mistake. This risks a loss of confidence because it could happen again.
2) you can become angry and swear at yourself, your fellow players, the greenkeepers, the weather, the manufacturer of your golf equipment, and any person or item except the true culprit.

Not many choices really but now we add a third. Bottle up your bitterness and share your unhappiness and disappointment to spoil everyone else's day. Replace good humour and sportsmanship with sarcasm and churlishness to make a truly memorable round.

There are some key phrases to use at different times:

After you play a bad shot:

"Call this a fairway/green, I've seen better turf in my garden/living room (delete as applicable)"
"I didn't see that f***ing bunker from back there!"
"Par 4, only if you're Tiger f***ing Woods!"
"If the greenkeeper didn't have this rough to steal my golf balls, they'd have to get a proper job."
"I was distracted by that c*@# on the next hole, some people really have no etiquette!"

When your playing partner someone else plays a bad shot, the normal silence and discrete intake of breath can be replaced by a disrespectful comment:

"How very UNlucky."
"Who dares wins and, er, loses."
"I thought you were under/over clubbing but I didn't want to say anything."
"Well I'm sure that bunker won't be as bad as the (i.e. your) last one."
"I wonder where the drop zone is?"
"Er, you can see the flag from there, can't you?"
"Well you've taken the greenside bunker out of play"

Or repeat any excuse they have used for a poor shot earlier in the round. Sometimes imitation isn't the best form of flattery...

Do not try any of these against a club committee member or in front of a match official. In such circumstances a poor shot should be followed by funereal silence.


If you are playing a friend, you may in fact sympathise with their anguish when they play a poor shot. There are some excuses that you can offer on their behalf which are so pathetic they could not say them, such as:

"What a tremendous effort from so poor a lie."
"That sudden gust affected the flight of your ball."
"To have such punishing rough on so deceptively narrow a fairway is downright unreasonable."
"Fancy putting a fairway bunker at 200 yards."
"I am sure the sound of my bag straps/ footsteps/ breathing must have distracted you."
"That's not a bunker, it's a sink hole."
"It's so hard to maintain concentration when the players ahead/behind are playing so slowly/fast."
"I'm sure the bad shot I played must have put you off."
"I know you'll sand save from there to make par."

When playing with a friend, you must direct your anger at more traditional targets:

  • Take at least half a dozen practice swings before you duff your shot. This is most effective on a busy course.
  • Don't rake the bunkers - just think of the damage a footprint lie can do to a good round of golf!
  • You can complement your unrepaired pitch mark by scraping your spikes on the putting surface or leaning heavily on your putter.
  • Be sure to clean your putter and ball carefully before leaving the green, and leave the flag out. This is particularly effective on a links course in winter as the green will be invisible. This makes the party behind hesitate, giving you more time to mark your scorecard before leaving the green.

If you recognise any of this behaviour, hopefully you now know why other golfers have been frowning and staring at you.